Review of the film "Ambulance" (2022) by Sergei Volkolak

05.05.2022Sergey Volkolak

Attention! All hands on deck! Michael Benjamin Bay born a new masterpiece of cinema! Shock! No one had ever done this before, but he did it! If you have not yet seen this work of art from the God of fire, explosions and mangled cars, then you are depriving yourself of the pleasure of experiencing multiple orgasms in every molecule of your body over the course of two hours and sixteen minutes. You will be torn apart by ecstasy; you don’t even have to call the Cenobites. What can they even do in comparison with a genius? Well, who else is capable of showing the ordinary person the sky in diamonds? Oh Michael, you are a miracle! You are Elvis! You are a god!

I hope I didn't go too far with sarcasm. Has anyone even read this far? But the truth, honestly, after the godless "Phantom Six" or whatever you call it, when, after only half an hour of watching, I was forced to pause this herobora and go to the toilet in order to empty a three-liter jar of vomit, because it was already overflowing, I put a massive end to Michael’s directorial talent. First, he buried it in the ground and wrote an inscription, spat three times, crossed himself, somersaulted over his head, and placed that same cross on top. Then I wouldn’t touch his creations even if I had a high jump pole and rubber gloves. But here's a surprise: the maestro is cast in the leading role of the new action movie Jake Gyllenhaal. A classy actor who has never been seen in outright bad films. In general, as far as I remember, after unsatisfactory training camps "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" (2010) decided to give up on mainstream pop cinema and stay only in small independent films. I can’t vouch for the accuracy of this information, but still, for several years it was like that, he appeared only in his own and sometimes strange projects. And here, first he’s the main villain in Marvel cartoons, and now he’s acting for Bay. And this is very interesting. It's unlikely to be worse than "Six", Jake - it's still not Ryan Reynolds, which after "Deadpool" plays with him everywhere, which infuriates him beyond words. In general, I had some hope for something not too bad. However, given the timing of more than two hours, I no longer prepared a jar, but an enamel basin.

With heavy thoughts, he sat down in a chair.

In fact, those who want a strong and interesting plot are in the wrong door. The entire film can be summed up in one line. But, of course, I won’t do this. In this respect it is similar to "Mad Max" model 2015 - the story of one chase. It is preceded by a bank robbery that does not go according to plan from the very beginning. Gyllenhaal and his accomplices screwed up big time. The “harshest” scenario in this mess is merging the bandits one by one. It’s clear that the whole gang, plus an EMS paramedic and a wounded cop, and a huge bag of bebes to boot, wouldn’t have fit into the ambulance. And when all that’s left of the gang are horns (Gyllenhaal) and legs (Abdul-Mateen), then there will be room for action inside the titular ambulance. Look, they even performed an emergency operation. What rules there are, aseptics and antiseptics, these are always neglected in films. Yes, if only this. The episode is a pure fairy tale; a similar scene was dumber and more delusional, perhaps in the same "Phantom Six". But the life of the wounded cop must be saved, otherwise the law enforcement officers pursuing and accompanying the robbers from all sides will exterminate the criminals for their kind souls. And while he is alive, no one is able to stop the adversaries, because in that world there is no John McClane, no Casey Ryback, no John Matrix.

So the ambulance travels around the city all day without tiredness or breaks for smoke breaks. Well, almost without interruptions. Who here loves car chases? Break down! One problem: "Mad Max" compared to "Ambulance" - it's like a troll among goblins and better in every aspect. It’s somehow wrong to even compare them. But what to do if both directors made a two-hour chase the main feature of their creations? In short, I warned everyone. Whoever likes this, look at your health. The rest are contraindicated. It’s not clear why, Gyllenhaal fit in there. Here Reynolds is in his place, this is just for him! I have a feeling that the role was originally written specifically for him. Again, there is no need to leave the image of Deadpool.

In order to make a good action movie, the minimal plot that is shown in the film is enough, if there is emotional involvement, good action, atmosphere, and the script does not scream to the entire cinema about its absurdity, like a cat that is giving birth any day now. Michael Bay's film boasts a complete or partial absence of all this. Emotional involvement? What is this? Action? It would have been good if it weren't for the choppy editing and shaky camera. Sometimes it surprises: original and tasty camera moves, turns and camera flights coexist with the above-mentioned shortcomings in one film.

What I liked without any “buts” in the action were the explosions and car accidents. Yes, an explosion makes everything better, at least Michael hasn’t forgotten how to shoot them. Since bank robbers and cops appear here, one can reasonably hope for some sensible shootouts. Ha! Indian national folk hut to you all (whoever understood the reference is the coolest dude). There is nothing like it here! Bandyugans are also good: what kind of masks or stockings are there on their heads? We don’t know, we haven’t heard. Moreover, their physiomordia can be described and identified by a person even with extreme myopia. All very memorable. It’s necessary to take such bodies for crime. Looks like a pro, at least Jake - they say he's been doing these dirty deeds since he was 17 (!) years old. I don’t understand how he didn’t get caught on the first case with such partners. But it is not a fact that these are his permanent accomplices. They generally look like newbies. At least that explained something.

If anyone is interested in depth and character development, forget it. But for God’s sake, in the old-school bashki I love so much, the creators rarely bother with this, but somehow you don’t pay attention to it. Simple characters, simple motivations, but understandable. Now, for some reason, it is generally accepted that if the character of the characters is unambiguous: bad or good, this is a mess and is immediately blamed on the film’s creators. And immediately minus a couple of points on the rating scale. I don't understand this and I don't accept it. The characters Jake and Yahya are bros to the grave, despite the fact that they are of different colors, there is no other way for now, sorry. Therefore, white here is a specific bad guy, and “not white” is noble. Yes, and not a bad guy. He did not want to spend the stolen money for his own pleasure. What else is there? Well, of course Eiza Gonzalez. In addition to the positive “non-white” ones, we need a strong and independent girl. The actress also loves to act in various kinds of action films. And on Megan Fox similar. Oh, I realized what type of woman the director likes! It's clear why she is. Here she has the role of a super-mega-cool EMS paramedic. Yes, I will express myself in modern Russian. No paramedics here, even if it's shorter. And I don’t know how it is there, but here we have paramedics traveling in pairs, plus a driver who is not a doctor. And here she is a paramedic, and she is also a driver. Strange. What if on the road she needs the help of a second person and urgently? Okay, apparently, according to the script, she is so cool in her field that she can pull ten people out of the other world solo. Simultaneously. With my eyes closed. No hands. While casually shooting back at terrorists and devouring a cheeseburger. Seriously, the girl is the decoration of this tape. Without unhealthy feminism, by the way. And she’s just a tough doctor, not a soldier. When it's good, then it's good.

Does the film have any other positives? As already mentioned, besides the spectacularly exploding cars, which I, of course, also adore when it’s done for real, firstly – the dynamics. The picture is long, but this time flies by very quickly and nothing sags anywhere. Some people will find the non-stop action boring, but I personally and specifically wasn’t bored here. Those who like some kind of movement to happen and don’t care about common sense, logic, characters, even how the action is shot, as long as there is a lot of it, will also not be disappointed.
Secondly, everything looks expensive and rich. Bay doesn’t betray himself in this either. Sometimes you get tired of the pictures in cheap boxes (not a complaint, just a fact) and want to switch. Thirdly and most importantly, this film is better than "The Phantom Six". This could mean that Michael Bay more alive than dead as a director. All is not lost yet. This is good news. There is hope.

Be that as it may, you can watch the film, it’s just the thing for the evening after a working day, as they say, “with a beer” - to relax, get distracted, if you know how to abstract yourself from some of the absurdity of what is happening. Don't forget that this is a late movie Michael Bay. Late!

Sergey Volkolak

Especially for Fight-Films.info

Home » Reviews » Review of the film "Ambulance" (2022) by Sergei Volkolak
Tags: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Bay, Eiza Gonzalez, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II

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